Dear friend, can we discuss (my) mental health?

I suffer with panic attacks.

I have reached the point where I need a therapist.

I have to admit something I thought I would have never said: I need psychological help.

But this article is neither about panic attacks nor about the search for help. It talks about family and friends, the first people you come across to discuss what is torturing you.

It is difficult to listen to someone’s problems without putting yourself in the position to help. The first reaction when they open up about their struggles is to think what you can do. The reason I know it is because I have done it all my life. I was the friend ready to listen to people’s problems, immediately trying to find a way to solve them.

But can you really help? Are your words a relief or do they add pain to the pain?

Now that I am on the other side of the barricade, I can firmly answer no. Not only you can be useless, you can also increase fear and pain.

These days I have talked about my panic attacks; here below you can find the most annoying things I have heard.

(Sorry family or friend if you are reading this and recognizing your words. I am not only talking to you but also to the past me. We all made the same mistake, maybe we can stop reiterating it).

Don’t worry, it’s nothing.

Please don’t tell me that. I am trying to tell you that a little monster is making space in my mind, in my stomach, in my soul. I can feel it and for me it is real. If you tell me it is nothing, you will increase my frustration. By saying so, it is like telling me I am lying or faking something just to get your attention. I’d rather spend my time in more pleasant activities than to get devoured from the inside just to get your attention.

Come on it’s easy, don’t think about it and it will go away.

Do you really think I didn’t try? When fear blocks your breath, makes your heart beating at the speed of a Ferrari, the first thing you do is to tell yourself not to think about it. The moment you understand an attack is arriving, you repeat: “This is not real; keep calm and it will disappear the same way as it has arrived.” Guess what? It doesn’t. The more you try to fight against your fear, the bigger it becomes.

I understand, I have/had the same problem.

At this point, people start describing their feelings without understanding that you were trying to be heard. The frustration becomes even greater because you move from someone who was seeking solace to someone who becomes invisible.

Hello? Can we go back to my problems for once? I mean, we can talk about yours too but I was the one looking for help.

Let me tell you what happens to me

This is my favorite. ß totally ironic.

The person you are talking to starts describing what they think it is a panic attack with abundance of details. You end up with a bunch of new phobias to add to your fears. Thank you, now my problems are bigger and better defined.

So how do you approach someone who reveals their mental struggles? Well, here is what I’d like to hear when I confess, I have panic attacks when I’m driving (and I have to go on a bridge).

1. Listen without judging

It is not easy to recognize a mental problem. But it can happen. There is nothing wrong and science can help solving it.

2. Do not belittle it.

If it is something that is stopping me from living a fulfilling life or even just from driving to the supermarket, it means it is a real problem and has to be solved. I am not less smart or less strong than anyone else. I have just found an obstacle along my path and, bigger or small, I want to

remove it.

3. Don’t get mad at me

Even with the best intentions, getting angry to shake me may not have the output you think. What I have right now is an open wound. TLC is a definite better medicine, in my opinion.

4. Don’t tell me to search for a therapist

Tell me you cannot help me, but let me reach the right consciousness that I need a therapist. The choice is mine and I have to understand that I need it by myself.

5. Don’t tell me not to search for a therapist

If I have reached this conclusion, support me. The decision is mine and not only do you have to respect it, you also have to understand that there is nothing wrong with me just because I admit I am not able to remove that obstacle alone. Eventually, go back to point 1.

What about you? What are the things you do not like to hear when you discuss (your) mental health? How should family and friends act in order to help us overcoming our problem? Leave a comment and share this article if you are where I am right now.